St Ed's
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St Edmund's Parish Church
Roundhay, Leeds, England
Articles - Miscellaneous
St Edron's
Your Finance and Stewardship Committee has been inspired to come up with a solution to our current financial crisis by the creative capitalism at Enron. We will set up a number of interlinked offshore partnerships. Next we launch a quoted company - working name of Ripoffia plc. The partnerships will lend money to the company at very high interest rates. The company will then set up a cascading series of derivative swaps and pay the Church back by way of a fee multiplier. Well if it's that easy why haven't we done it before I can hear you asking. The answer of course is professional advice. Amongst our new worshippers we are lucky enough to have a partner in management consultants Dewey, Billam and Howe. They will help us to set up the scheme then the similarly named but completely independent auditors Dewey, Cheetham and Howe will certify that all is well.
So what needs to happen?
Well we need some real money to start with - yes that is a bit inconvenient I know. So all PCC members will be required to switch their safe and reliable pension plans to invest in Ripoffia plc, a slightly riskier proposition. (The clergy are exempted from this requirement as they are already in a riskier scheme handled by the Church Commissioners.)
We then need a few naïve souls who won't ask too many questions to be partners in the offshore partnerships. Unfortunately I don't think we have enough New Labour voters in the congregation so the PCC may have to help again.
Our assets will have to go offshore too - Church Hall, photocopier and Curate's house will be moved to the Bahamas. I know this might be a touch inconvenient for the youngsters on Sunday. A web camera will enable Rachel to Preach from the Beach on alternate Sundays when pina colada will be used in place of communion wine to get us all involved.
So how can I help I hear you ask. Well you can all buy a share in Ripoffia plc. The first hundred pounds will be used to hire a fast and reliable document shredder.
Shares will be available on 1st April.
David Everett
http:/www.stedmunds.roundhay.org.uk/misc/edron.htm
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Last Revised 29 March, 2002